A Written Birthday Thought

Being 20 makes me realize that there are plenty of life perspectives, different kinds of people, various expectations towards each other, and so many things that thrilled me to think like an adult to be able to adjust and adapt in my surroundings. Am I mature enough? Do I have an impact on the people around me? Do I really know myself?

A 5-year-old me was the one that felt like the prettiest when my mom put me on a pink dress. It was as simple as that to feel pretty. Never thought that a single unkind word would be a strong and potential bomb to make me feel unpretty when I become a teenager back then.

A 12-year-old me was the one that felt like the luckiest human on earth when my best friend bought me a birthday gift and arranged my surprise party. Never thought that one day, a best friend can hurt me too or even it becomes rare to find one.

A 17th-year-old me was the one that would fall in love with a handsome classmate and had a relationship just because I felt like in-love. Never thought that an unsuccessful relationship would totally destroy you and change you into a different person.

As time passed by, I face so many ups and downs. Unwittingly, there are times that I feel so grateful for every little thing, but there are also times when I need to speak to myself that everything is gonna be alright just to stop me from crying. In a few uncertain moments in my life, I might have no clue where to go and lean back. I might find out that some people will just say that I’m being overthinking and ungrateful when actually I just feel tired and need them to listen and simply be there for me. Which taught me that it’s okay to detach myself from some unhealthy circle and be selected about who you will tell everything to. Hence, It’s fine to leave some topics unsaid to avoid disputes without ignoring some cases that must be fought for in order to respect my own self.

As such, It’s better to never let others control the way I see and value myself.

At that point, I thought that I have to mitigate my expectation towards others in order to gain volatility that I coveted. But now I’m approaching such a mindset that I can achieve my own solace by loving and appreciating myself more. By ensuring that I’ve done my best and I’m enough. So whenever someone tells me that I’m not enough, it won’t emerge as my insecurity.

It was so hard for me to set my mind that way. My close friends will know that I’m the kind of person who enjoys being busy. I constantly felt uneasy when I rest for too long and felt intimidated that I wasn’t accomplishing enough. But currently, I’m learning to finally slow down my pace and unwind. Be thankful for what I’ve achieved so far and what is still in process. I’m being reminded to acknowledge my entire capacity although there are several vague points that I need to work on to become a better version of myself.

I’m practicing to not use my own power and capability but surrender it to God. Moreover, no need to be perfect and excellent in all forms as long as I’ve done my best and keep improving. I began to remind myself again that everyone carries their own weight in a disparate aspect of life. It’s important to always perform kindness and go to extra miles to be there for your loved ones. 

I’m thankful for everyone that has seen me up in the sky and also down on the ground but still stays here with me. I’m thankful for everyone who has lent me their shoulder to lean on and their ears to listen. 

For every pray and wishes that have been poured on me today, thank you. I’m blessed.

Love,

Joy Adeline

17.06.20